And wouldn't you know it, my main sketch in the final show didn't come off perfectly. It would be easy to say that this was all the actors' fault, but...
Honestly, I wrote a sketch that was hard to remember because (a) actors have a lot of stuff to remember, including other people's sketches and (b) my sketch has a lot of similar moments.
So if an actor skips one line and says another line because it is very similar, it's partly my fault. That's one last lesson to learn about writing pieces for other people to perform live:
Don't be so clever and complicated.
And here's the sketch:
“Law and
Disorder”
Ver. 6 /
10-29-2011
CAST
COLIN WELLER,
law school professor
SARAH,
applicant
(COLIN seated, SARAH just entering the room with a
briefcase)
COLIN
Have a seat,
Sarah. We only have a few minutes, so I’d like to dive right into the interview.
SARAH
Absolutely,
Professor Weller. I’m really excited about Northwestern Law School.
COLIN
Really? Because
according to your personal statement, you want to go to law school to become a
screenwriter of legal dramas.
SARAH
And legal
drama-comedies--or “dramedies.”
COLIN
Northwestern only
admits people who are interested in the law.
SARAH
But I am
interested in the law. Ever since I saw James Spader in Boston Legal as Alan Shore, Esquire defend a man from murder charges,
even though he loved the man’s wife--
COLIN
Stop. How
should I put this? Do you know what frivolous litigation is?
SARAH
Totally: in Ally McBeal season 2 episode 13, “Angels
and Blimps,” Ally explains to a boy with leukemia that suing God--
COLIN
Sarah, we
can’t admit you to law school so that you can become a screenwriter.
SARAH
(Getting scripts out of her
briefcase)
I have some
screenplays that might change your mind. Ipse
dixit.
COLIN
That’s not
the right way to use that phrase.
SARAH
Here’s a
screenplay about a lawyer who’s a cop and a ghost at the same time. I’ll play
Lance Manspear, Esquire and would you play Judge Candy, the reformed
prostitute?
COLIN
No.
SARAH
Overruled!
COLIN
What?
SARAH
“I’m just a
simple country ghost-cop-lawyer, but--“
COLIN
Sarah, you’re
not going to get into law school with a script.
SARAH
But my agent
says--
COLIN
You’re not
going to get into law school with a script because every lawyer I know hates
legal dramas. We waste so much of our time dealing with people who think that
courtrooms should be more like Law &
Order.
SARAH
(Makes Law & Order ba-ba-bum sound)
COLIN
I care about
the law, Sarah. You clearly don’t.
SARAH
(Getting out last script)
I care about
the law--I even… love the law. There, I said it: love. And I can change your
mind by performing this climactic courtroom scene. I’ll play Jack Goodheart,
Esquire, and if you could play Salazarinovich, Esquire, the lawyer for the
Columbian-Russian mob, which my agent tells me is very timely.
COLIN
I think we’re
done here.
SARAH
(Gets up, gets in character)
Ladies and
gents of the jury, Mr. Salazarinovich, Esquire here wants you to think that law
is a thing of rules.
COLIN
Sarah--
SARAH (IC)
He doesn’t
want you to know that law is an affair of the heart. It's about how people
feel--isn’t that so, Salazarinovich?
COLIN
(Flips through script, reads)
It’s true
that I’ve been--
SARAH
Could you do
an accent?
COLIN (IC)
--I’ve been
hiding the truth from the jury for years.
SARAH (IC)
Judge Velvet,
permission to treat the opposing counsel as a hostile witness.
(moves over to play Judge)
Unorthodox,
but I’ll allow it.
COLIN (IC)
I don’t have
to stay here. I recuse myself from this room!
SARAH (IC)
(As if casting a spell)
Obiter dictum!
COLIN (IC)
Curse you,
Jack Goodheart, your legal spell has paralyzed me.
SARAH (IC)
Salazarinovich,
has the Columbian-Russian mob been funding legal dramas?
COLIN (IC)
Ahhhh! Your
spell compels me--we have been funding legal dramas, such as The Good Wife. And all just to
manipulate juries.
SARAH (IC)
(As Judge Velvet)
Amazing,
Jack, you truly are the best magic lawyer ever, even if you are haunted by your
alcoholism.
(As Jack Goodheart)
I’m just a
simple country magic lawyer, Judge Doctor Velvet.
COLIN (IC)
I confess:
law is an affair of the heart.
SARAH (IC)
Ipso facto. We need legal TV shows and movies.
COLIN (IC)
Jack, now
that I have confessed my sin, I can pass on to the afterlife… since I was a
zombie all along!
(Dies)
SARAH (IC)
Salazarinovich!
Don’t die! Not on my watch! Nooooo!!!
(Out of character)
And… scene.
COLIN
My character
was a zombie?
SARAH
A gay
zombie--pretty powerful stuff, right?
COLIN
No, it’s
terrible.
SARAH
But my agent
says--
COLIN
But you have
an interesting idea there. Maybe we do need more screenwriters who are trained
as lawyers.
SARAH
So you’ll
approve my application for law school?
COLIN
No. I’m
quitting my job as a professor to become a screenwriter of legal dramas. Can
you get me in touch with your agent?
(blackout)
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