Let's recap what I've said so far, because I've forgotten it:
- Part 1: an overview of the writing program at Second City; it's impossible to know if you're being funny without an audience.
- Part 2: writing for an audience is a form of collaboration. (Which I guess means that only someone like Henry Darger or Austin Tappan Wright isn't collaborating, since they're just stuffing their desks and drawers full of stuff without showing them to anyone.)
I'm definitely going to have to revisit and clarify Part 2 (there's different forms of audience-collaboration, from sucking up to an audience (see: GOP debates) to imagining an audience that doesn't yet exist). But let's put off more collaboration-talk and look at a sketch that didn't make it into the show. Here's the sketch, with a short discussion after:
SKETCH
“C.R.E.A.M.”
Ver. 4 / 9-3-2011
CAST
GEORGE, businessman
ABE, businessman
ANDREW, businessman
BEN, businessman
AD A
AD B
(Businessmen sitting at a table
in an office, center stage; AD A and AD B in the dark, stage right)
GEORGE
Gentlemen, we have a serious problem: If we don’t boost
our profits next quarter, Mayb-oreal Corporation will not survive the year. Abe?
ABE
We need to boost profits from our core product--lipstick.
And we need to do it fast. Andrew?
ANDREW
Or else we’ll all lose our jobs. Ben?
BEN
I can’t lose this job. I don’t have any other skills.
George?
GEORGE
Don’t panic, gentlemen. This is the same question we
always face: How do we boost our corporate profits?
ABE
We could market to women’s nostalgia for a simpler time.
ANDREW
Like Coke Classic and Reebok Classic--Lipstick Classic.
BEN
We’d offer a limited range of colors, just like mom had.
GEORGE
For the commercial, I see a modern woman.
(Lights
up on AD A)
She works hard and she plays hard.
(AD A
switches from typing to tennis, or so)
But why should she have to think hard about her lipstick?
AD
A
(Trying
to decide between lipsticks)
Mom didn’t need all these colors to be confident and elegant.
She just needed her red lipstick and her valium.
(Lights
out on AD A)
ABE
But our profits would crash if women only bought one color.
But our profits would crash if women only bought one color.
ANDREW
We need to expand consumer options.
BEN
A color for every occasion. How does the serious
professional woman say she’s a serious professional woman? Lipstick.
(Lights
up on AD B, applying lipstick, ad-sexy)
AD
B
Congressional Confirmation for a Federal Judgeship Coral.
I’m ready for your questions, senator.
(Lights
out on AD B)
GEORGE
Of course multiple colors is key to maintaining profits. But let’s think outside the box.
Of course multiple colors is key to maintaining profits. But let’s think outside the box.
ABE
R&D is doing work on
integrating computers into our lipstick.
ANDREW
We’re researching a GPS-tracking lipstick that should be a
hit with the overprotective mom, jealous husband, and conscientious pimp
demographics. We’re working out the kinks still.
(Lights
up on AD A, applying lipstick)
AD
A
Well, I like the color, but should my lips be tingling?
And they kind of feel like they’re burning? And--oh God--I'm blind!
BEN
That’s good, but we need something to boost our profits now.
Or I won’t be able to pay for my boat.
GEORGE
How can we get women to buy more lipstick?
ABE
Apply it to different body
parts. Andrew?
(Lights
up on AD A and B)
ANDREW
Ear lipstick, to add that splash of color. Ben?
Ear lipstick, to add that splash of color. Ben?
(AD
A applies ear lipstick)
BEN
Body lipstick, to cover up
blemishes. George?
(AD
B applies body lipstick)
GEORGE
Vagina lipstick, to increase
confidence.
(AD
A gives GEORGE the finger, lights out on ADs)
ABE
It’s interesting, but are women insecure enough about
their vaginas for us to make a profit off them?
ANDREW
The Vagina Monologues may have ruined this profit base
for us.
BEN
If this doesn’t work, I’ll have
to move back home with my mom. Wait, what if we concentrated on lips, but got
consumers to continue buying lipstick later in life.
GEORGE
We could ramp up our brand-vertising targeting the key
demographic of women over 65.
ABE
Their husbands are dead--we could roll out a widow line
for senior dating.
ANDREW
Cross-promote with Viagra.
BEN
Get a celebrity endorser that
speaks to that demographic.
(Lights
up on AD A and B)
AD
A
I’m Judi Dench--
GEORGE
Too mannish.
AD B
I’m Helen Mirren--
ABE
Sounds expensive.
AD
A
I’m Betty White--
ANDREW
And maybe get senior women to
buy lipstick for a new event.
AD
A
I’m Betty White, and like you, I worry about what lipstick
I’ll be wearing at my funeral.
(Lights
out on ADs)
BEN
Fine. But we should concentrate
on getting repeat customers. George?
GEORGE
Instead of creating a market, we should tap into a market
that already exists. Abe?
ABE
What if we got men to buy lipstick? Andrew?
ANDREW
How could we get men to buy
lipstick?
(Lights
up on ADs)
AD
A
Check out the flame details on my car, bra. And it won’t
smear!
AD
B
Ayuh, foh bass fishing, I prefeh All Day Cherry. But foh
trout, I get mohre fish with Rose Serenity.
AD
A
This lipstick on my collar? No, I haven’t been cheating on
you--that’s my color, dear.
AD
B
I used to have a lot of trouble leaving notes for women on
their bathroom mirrors while they took showers. But now--
(Writing
on a mirror/wall, reading out loud)
You can’t get away from me, you bitch.
(Considering
it)
Now with Mayb-oreal Lipstick for Stalkers, I’m stalking in
style.
(Lights
out on ADs)
BEN
We’ve got a lot of good ideas
for boosting lipstick profits.
GEORGE
But maybe we should branch out into new products. What’s
the next big thing? Abe?
ABE
We could turn a healthy profit on alternative meat if we
could overcome the taboo on cannibalism. Andrew?
ANDREW
I still think we’d net a greater profit on weddings if we
made incest marriage acceptable. Ben?
BEN
There’s a lot of demand out
there for torturing people. George?
GEORGE
Why stop at torture? Murder is where the real money is.
People would pay a lot to kill strangers.
ABE
And even more to kill their
co-workers.
(All
businessmen laugh)
Seriously, though, I’d kill you
all for a profit.
(Blackout)
DISCUSSION
This sketch started in Writing 2, and has three seeds:
- a funny (to me) scenario: I've seen lots of thrillers where male stalkers use lipstick to leave messages to their targets, so what would a stalker focus group for lipstick look like?
- a theme/point/POV: our teacher in that class believed that every scene should have a point--it's not just a collection of funny jokes, but a collection of funny jokes unified by a single POV. So my POV here was almost directly stated at the end: businessmen will do anything for a profit.
- a format: I wrote this after I saw a real Second City sketch that featured "break-outs"--where characters will jump up and do a mini-scene to illustrate something from the main sketch. In my original draft, I had the four businessmen do the break-outs, but a) break-outs take time; and b) the standard cast is six people, so writing a six-person scene gives everyone stage-time.
(Sidenote: "CREAM" is an acronym from a Wu-Tang Clan song for "Cash Rules Everything Around Me." This scene has no reference to that song, but the feeling seemed apt--and if someone ever found our list of scenes, this title would give nothing away.)
You've read enough for today, so tomorrow I'll get into how this sketch changed along the way and why it doesn't appear in the show.
Oh, but: how does it read to you? Did you smile, chuckle, or laugh?
It got a smile.
ReplyDeleteWhat worked while reading:
1. Betty White talking about lipstick for her funeral...but maybe because I read it with her voice in mind which obviously wouldn't have the same effect at the performance itself. (Unless you got Betty White.)
2. The tingling lipstick. I've actually had a few conversations with girlfriends about lipstick that burns and why they would want to wear it.